Tonight when I laid down with Rex to put him to bed, he placed his hand in mine--fingers intertwined with mine. He kept it there a pretty long time, until he turned over and went to sleep. He also felt my face, sort of patted it all over, not like a toddler would pat mud into pies, but more delicately, like patting a little bunny. Rex did this the other night, too.
Lois Ruskai Melina calls attachment between a parent and child, "the development of a mutual feeling that the other is irreplaceable" (Raising Adopted Children). I don't think Rex would call me irreplaceable yet. I want him to feel like I'm his irreplaceable daddy, but I don't think that's true. Yes, he already calls me daddy, but when he sees photos of his foster dad, he also calls him daddy. In his role as foster dad, he is irreplaceable. But in my role as his permanent daddy, I want to be irreplaceable too. I don't think I'm there yet, it's only Day 6.
Attachment between a parent and adopted child can take a year, according to Melina. Sure, there are feelings of closeness and bonding, but that doesn't mean it's attachment. Remember, attachment is a mutual feeling. A parent can have it but that doesn't guarantee the child does. But when there is attachment, when both feel the other is irreplaceable, that's golden. Talk to me in a year.
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About Me
- C.S. Heinz
- I'm the Director of Marketing for EnergyCAP, Inc., publisher of the best selling energy management software. I write on topics like prayer, discipleship, intimacy with God, family, and adoption. I like to buy books and sometimes I even read them.
Best of luck on this awesome undertaking. And thanks for documenting it. On a related subject, I'd love for you to check out this short video -- http://www.ahamoment.com/vote/kathy -- about the "aha moment" of a woman who adopted a young girl from an orphanage. It's pretty emotional, and if you like it, click and vote for it and it just might wind up being an aha moment TV commercial. Which would be nice.
ReplyDeleteThanks again and all the best,
jack@ahamoment.com
Hi Jack, thanks for leaving a comment. Very touching video. How did you find Adoption Year?
ReplyDeleteJust caught up on your recent posts. For what it's worth, I don't get much more than "Good" or "Fine" when I ask my fourth grader about his school day. Just kids being kids, I suppose. And to answer your question, I found your blog with a simple google blog search. Great tool.
ReplyDeleteContinued good luck,
Jack